The Voices in my Head

It’s been an interesting week. A part of me wants to stop right there. Can you imagine, if that one sentence was my entire post? But honestly, there is a part of me, a soft little voice inside that says, ” To say more could ruin it.”

“Ruin what?” another voice asks. Yeah, yeah, don’t give me grief about the voices in my head. Like you don’t have them? Puh-leese. Anyhow, I’m still not sure exactly what I will/would be ruining by giving more details of my interesting week. Except there seems to be a certain complete feeling now that the week is over. And perhaps going over the details would disrupt that somehow. So maybe I’ll just forget a recap of the week and write about what’s on my mind right tonight, now that my week has come to a close.

I’m experiencing a small twinge of regret. A few weeks ago; well actually more like a month or so, I discussed the fact that I’d gotten an e-mail from someone I considered a friend, someone I cared about. In that e-mail, they were pretty blunt about the fact that they didn’t consider me a friend, and went into some detail about where I fell short in my friendship capabilities. I was deeply hurt and yes, a bit angry. At that time I wrote a responding e-mail, in which I explained some things and countered some of this person’s bitterness. I then read it through and decided not to send it, as I was afraid it was too harsh and perhaps more retaliatory than I wanted it to be. I stumbled across that response in my e-mail today and reading it again, I think perhaps I should have sent it. Sure, there is a certain degree of spitefulness in it, but there is much more truth in it than anything else. Yet, now, here it is several months later, and to send it now would surely be seen as re-opening old wounds. I think perhaps the window of opportunity has passed and I regret that just a little.

In another part of my head I’m treading on familiar ground. The path in front of me is well worn, and my feet recognize it so well that I can almost close my eyes and still follow it to it’s inevitable conclusion. It’s funny how a part of me always holds onto a sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe this time it’ll lead to someplace new. And even if it doesn’t, the warm familiarity gives me an odd sense of security and belonging. With so many new things going on around me in my life, I think perhaps walking this path again isn’t such a bad thing. At least as long as I remember it’s highly unlikely its going to lead where I really want to end up.

And that is really enough of looking inside my head…