As I struggle with the thoughts of menopause, dry skin that doesn’t bounce back the way it used to and a few more aches and pains than I once had it’s becoming harder to deny. And while I still am not ready to wholeheartedly embrace the word ‘old’ I am in fact getting older.  Today, sadly, the mirror presented me with another reminder that while I still may feel 35, 50 is creeping up fast.

Just what was it that reminded me of that unpleasant fact?  My neck.  Or the skin on my neck to be more specific. I caught a glimpse of a small patch of sort of wrinkled skin that ::gasp::: reminded me of  my grandmother.  You know, skin that has definitely lost the elasticity of youth and threatens to make us look like a Shar Pei? Well, it appears that my recent success in the battle to lose weight has not only made my jeans fit looser, my skin is also fitting looser. My jawline suddenly is refusing to bounce back to it’s satiny smoothness.

And there, in the mirror as I applied my makeup today I suddenly became aware of a small patch of slightly wrinkled skin. ACK!  I am NOT old enough for grandma skin.  So after doing some reading I realized that it probably was due to the fact that I haven’t been so good about my water intake the past few days.  Hydration was in order.  But just to be safe, I stocked up on moisturizer/firming cream and found exercises to keep my neck smooth.  Because 50 is the new 30 right and grandma skin is not acceptable to those of us with Peter Pan Syndrome.

It had everything to do with a city boy.

And I wasn’t even watching with him.  But knowing that he was an avid Duke fan and that he cared about the outcome of the game made me want to watch.  And not just watch, but hold my breath as they ran back and forth on the court hoping to see those dark blue jerseys pull ahead.

Alas, it wasn’t to be, and I felt the pang of disappointment because I knew a certain someone wouldn’t be smiling in triumph. As I shared my condolences, reminding him that I too had recently felt the agony of defeat that kept my beloved Patriots from the big game, I realized that this was one of the ‘perks’ of dating.  We’re introduced to new things, new experiences and new interests. We’re challenged to do things we might never do otherwise.

I wonder how many things we as individuals learn to do or come to love because of a romantic interest in someone?

I can only speak for myself, but I know that I’ve overcome fears, learned to love things I didn’t understand (like football!) and opened myself up to experiences I’ll never forget.

Does that mean I’m going to end up anticipating March Madness with the same fervor I await the start of the football season? A month ago I would have laughed at the thought. Although I’d sat through my share of Bonny Eagle basketball games as a teenager in the pep band, and certainly understand the basics of the game, it just never seemed to be a sport that induced passion the way that football and hockey could.

But now? Well, I watched a college hoops game all by myself simply because I knew he would be. I have no doubt I’ll be keeping track of the games during March Madness.  I guess I shouldn’t rule out learning to ♥ hoops.

Trust me, I know that fall is a weird time to decide to take on a project like that.  I’m well aware that most people  start this sort of thing on New Year’s Day.  But hey, I never have been like most people.

So I started my project when the current year was almost over. I keep wondering if it’s because a little voice is telling me that there is no way in hell, on earth that I’ll make it past the end of the year with it.  It could be the little voice is right.  I’ve slipped up and missed a day or two already.

Pitiful. I know.  Even more pitiful is the content of the writing.  There was one night I was sure I was channeling my grandmother as I wrote about the weather and what I cooked for dinner. (She was an avid journal writer who often gave weather reports and the Gram’s kitchen special of the day in her entries. ) That was scary.

But given the fact that I’m usually writing these project entries at 11 pm or later, perhaps we’re just  lucky that I’m not recapping the television shows I’ve watched or some other equally as boring thing.  At least not yet.

I still have 335 entries to write.

The project is entitled A Year in the Life; 365 days of Me. And while it may not be the Great American Novel, or even the trashy romance, that I hope to pen someday, reading it just may be a safe alternative to Ambien.

A normal week finds me writing at least 3 posts related to business, which appears to stifle that fun loving little muse that used to sit on my shoulder and help me write about my crazy life every day. For crying out loud, I used to be able to create a blog post about my ride to work, now with all of this material, like moving and my growing resemblance to a hermit, giant garden spiders..well, I should be writing volumes here!

So I’m not asking for forgiveness, I’m only hoping that there are a few of you still out there.  Because I’ve come to realize that I need this personal outlet. Otherwise I think I’ll be in danger of losing the ‘real’ me.

You know the one that is currently reading her way through Sherrilyn Kenyon’s paranormal romance series. Her vampiric Dark Hunters drew me in and now I’m firmly enmeshed in her little world of gods, were-people, vampire-like creatures and other imaginary friends.  I always did love a good imaginary friend. That’s probably why Neil Diamond’s Shilo appealed to me so much when I discovered it as a teenager.

If there’s one thing I have always had in over-abundance it was an imagination.  So what happens when a highly imaginative chick like me stifles it to write  stuff like- “Why a Blog is Good for your Business”?

I could be melodramatic and say she loses her will to live, but that would show you all just how many of those fantasy lover novels I’ve read in the last 3 months. (psst… I’m on number 13. I blame my Kindle. )  It does make me feel very one-dimensional and blah… god forbid I allow myself to become blah!!

Desperate to break out of my descent into blah-hood coupled with my voracious reading lately, the thought crossed my mind “I could write this stuff”.  And thus I began once again on the quest to write fiction. I may or may not share that with you dear readers. (or dear imaginary readers as the case may be)

And I’ve returned here…where I can write, vent, grow, live and dream.

As you can surmise from the above paragraph, my little business is doing well, and I’m on the verge of being officially diagnosed as a ‘workaholic’.  When I worked for other people I never understood the term.  Why in the hell would anyone in their right mind choose work over relaxing and having fun right?  Well, three years into business ownership and I understand all too well.

One, I love what I do, so it doesn’t actually ‘feel’ like work. And two, it’s MY business, and success falls squarely on one person.  Lil’ old me.  But in recent weeks I feel guilty about neglecting my needs.  So I’m going to go public in an effort to make a few changes in my life. Like taking time for me.

An afternoon by the pool. An hour with a cup of tea and a good book. 13 minutes to get a tan. Taking the time to put my pretty on every morning rather than pulling my hair into a clip and doing the frumpy business frau. And maybe even stop being so afraid and going out on a date or two.

And what exactly has inspired my sudden realization that I need to take time for me and even take time to write about me, personal side?  A silly guilty pleasure called Drop Dead Diva.

I won’t go into details in this post, but the silly lighthearted Lifetime series is the epitome of female fluff. But it revolve around a plus-sized heroine.  A beautiful, vivacious woman who doesn’t allow her high powered career as an attorney or her curvy figure keep her from not just being good to herself, but recognizing the value she brings to the world.

Too often I hide behind mynbusiness to cover up for the fact that suddenly I’m feeling unsure about myself on a personal level.  Because I’m good at business, I’m extremely confident in my abilities and what I can do.  But somewhere along the way something has slowly chipped away at that same confidence that I used to possess on a personal level.

It’s time for the Princess to stop disguising herself as the Pauper and get her diva back!

I guess, finally, after all of these years, yesterday was the first time I’ve encountered what so many others have.  And what was that? People who don’t see a need to show common courtesy or common sense because it’s online.  It’s not that I wasn’t aware this existed, it just hadn’t touched me personally.  And the really sad thing is that the person who chose to cross that line is ‘family’.

My ex sister in law to be exact.  For some reason she chose to question a personal decision that my daughter made by attacking her on my Facebook Wall beneath a lighthearted comment my daughter made on my status.  Then this same woman…who by the way knows all about the past ugliness in my children’s lives…proceeded to leave a very similar comment to my daughter on my son’s Facebook Wall.

Do any of the millions of ‘adults’ that have joined Facebook over the past few years know about ‘private messages’?  Honestly, I think I’m starting to understand what the kids mean when they say that grown ups ruin everything.  How many embarrassing things have been inadvertently revealed because a grown up didn’t get the public venue of the Facebook Wall?

Sorry about the rant, but this woman’s unfeeling and unthinking post not only could have opened some barely healed wounds , but done so in the most public of venues.  So I deleted the post.  But for some reason it still makes me angry to think that I needed to.

So what has the princess been up to besides work?  Well, a lot. I’ve been trying to give a princess girly girl flair to my condo, I’ve now been here in North Carolina for a full year and just resigned a lease on the place.  A friend from high school dropped by and I got to reconnect with them, a very cool experience.  And in mid-March I committed myself to taking better care of my health by getting more active and making healthier eating choices.  I’ve lost 6 lbs so far. I feel like it should be more, but part of the reason could be that I’m still having a hard time fitting breakfast in. (Did you know coffee is not considered a legitimate breakfast?  )

So here I am, getting ready to start year two in my new home.  The past few years have been chaotic and surprising, I wonder what this one will bring??

• Saw the year 2000 in as ‘Suzy Homemaker’ living in Mechanicsville, VA with a husband and two children.
• Was uprooted by said husband back to home state of Maine in October of 2000.  Left the white picket fence behind.
• Began nightmare of anorexia with my daughter, complete with feelings of helplessness as she wasted away.
• Separated from said husband in September 2001 upon shocking revelation.
• Struggled as a suddenly single mother, filed for divorce and continued trying to help my daughter overcome her eating disorder through 2002.
• Became a divorcee in June of 2002 and continued to struggle to pay the bills and be a good parent while dealing with life changes.
• A dear friend pays for me to train as a loan processor and I try to make ends meet by doing contract processing in 2002 and 2003.  It helps, but doesn’t provide enough income so I start job hunting. I also take some continuing education classes in Accounting and Office Procedures through adult ed.
• Rejoined the working world after being a stay at home mother for 13 years in August 2003.  Found out I had mad administrative and computer skills due to being a computer geek and having owned my own scrapbooking business while I was a SAHM.
• Still intimidated by my ex-husband and his proximity, fled to Morganton, NC in June 2004. Unexpectedly my son made the decision to stay in Maine with his father.
• During a Christmas visit to my son in 2004, become aware of his severe depression due to living with his father.  Make the heartbreaking decision to return to Maine.
• Friends help me pack up and move back to Maine in January 2005 in order to be closer to my son.
• Get a temp position at an oil company in February 2005 while temporarily living with my parents.
• My loan processing experience lands me a job as a title processor in March 2005. I begin the most stressful job I’d ever experienced in my life, but am determined to make it work.
• May 2005 finds me moving into my own apartment. My daughter and her boyfriend decide to abandon college in Virginia and join me.
• I begin a Certificate Course for Medical Coding and Billing in June 2006 at a local technical school while maintaining my full time job.  Went directly from my job to classes two nights a week and juggled homework, homelife and a still stressful job. Came to the realization that as much as I hated it, I was really, really good at title processing and working with the professionals involved.
• My son makes the decision to move in with me in June 2006, so now both he and his sister are living with me as well as his sisters boyfriend. Full House (or should I say, apartment)
• The real estate market in Maine crumbles in 2007, the title company I’m working for closes its doors in August 2007 and I am suddenly unemployed, still attending school and still with a full house.   The job market sucks and the state of Maine offers to help me start my own business if I have what they consider a viable idea.  In desperation I research what I might be able to do with the skills and experience I have and voila! the term ‘virtual assistant’ shows up in my search.
• September of 2007 sees the launch of my virtual assistance business.  I also finish my classes and externship to earn my Health Claims Certificate in December 2007.
• My son is accepted to East Carolina University in June 2008, I take him to college in August of 2008.
• One of my best friends offers me a temporary home in Richmond, VA  to put me closer to my son and allow me to look for a new home in North Carolina where I feel I can better afford to live and escape the horrible, harsh Maine winters.
• November 2008 finds me in Richmond, VA enjoying reconnecting with old friends and making new ones. My business continues to grow.
• I move into my new condo in North Carolina in April 2009.
• Changes to my business give me ups and downs during the rest of 2009, but for the most part it’s good. My son’s financial aid fails to materialize, so he ends up staying with me. We also add a family member, our kitten Fiona.

Wow, looking at that timeline, I’ve come a long way baby!  From controlled housewife to independent business owner. Heck, I’ve moved five times in the past 10 years!  But it’s all worked out for the best. Life just keeps getting better.  Are there bad things about where I am right now. Sure. Like the fact that my daughter is still living in Maine. I miss her every day. But she’s an adult and that’s what happens when your kids grow up.  For the most part, everything is better now than it was back then.

And I’m looking forward to exciting things in 2010 and beyond!  How about you?

Now I look back on that time as precious, time I got to spend with friends in a place that had once been my home. My friend gave me more than a place to live for five months, she gave me the gift of a real home during that time. Never once did I feel like an outsider and I know that to this day she would have loved for me to stay.

As tempted as I was, deep inside I knew that it wasn’t where my path was leading.

Recalling the past year, I remember just how scary the whole experience was. Second guessing my decisions was almost a daily event.  Even now, somedays, when client payments are  overdue and it’s been months since I’ve seen my daughter, I still question my sanity.

But then, I really look at where I am, what I’ve accomplished and where my path seems to be leading now.  I know that although to the outside world my choices might have appeared frivolous, they were exactly the right ones for me.  My son and I enjoy our home here in NC.  And my soul feels like it’s found where it belongs.

I like to imagine years down the road.  I see myself surrounded by friends and yes, even some family members.  I visualize how it will be to look back on all of this and be able to smile and know exactly why my path to home took such unusual twists and turns.

Let’s start with what irritated me…

1. What was Emme there for? Really?  I love the woman, and I think she’s been a marvelous role model for real women, but  there truly was no purpose for her on this show besides showing a successful plus sized woman.

2. Whining…especially in the earlier episodes.  Trust me, not all curvy chicks thinks that happens depends upon finding validation by finding a man to marry. Yes we want to find love. No we don’t think there is only one man out there that will find us attractive.

3. Malissa. Even the way she spelled her name bugged me. And I feel horrible because I know the producers of the show probably slanted it to make her appear cold and calculating. It’s entirely possible she was a warm, genuine curvy chick too. But all I could see was a cold, calculating ice princess.

What I liked about the show

1. Beautiful curvy women.  I sure hope America took notice that you don’t have to be a size 2 in order to be gorgeous.

2. Luke.  It was pretty obvious he honestly was attracted to the curves.  And even though at times it seemed like he was leading some of the girls along, it always seemed truly difficult for him to send someone home. He appeared to be a truly nice guy and yes, an attractive man. (Why is it big guys don’t have the same problems finding women to accept them?)

3. Tali. I know, I know…we saw what the producers of the show wanted us to see, but she was a strong, confident chubby chick.  Not only that, she was dealing with the difference in background as well. Yet she handled it all with grace and dignity. She was open about how difficult it was to deal with the competition, but when it came right down to it, it never seemed like it was about the competition with her.  She knew there was a possibility Luke would choose Malissa, yet she never spoke about it as if she were losing a competition. She also was/is a wonderful role model for girls, perhaps seeing more women like Tali will help young girls/women be confident in themselves for who they are, not what size they wear.  I really, really hope the Tali we saw on TV was for real.

4. The outcome.  Finally a guy that thought with his head (and hopefully his heart) instead of something else.  I LOVED Luke’s mother and her reactions to Malissa.  I thought, “Finally! Someone who sees through this chick other than me!”. Kudo’s to Luke’s mom! And kudo’s to Luke and Tali for being true to themselves, and being willing to tackle the background/religious differences. I hope the two of you truly have found love with one another.  Yeah, I know…sappy, hopeless romantic here.

I guess overall I can say, as a curvy chick myself, that I hope there will be more shows brave enough to portray real sized women as beautiful, sexy and desirable. Even though the show had it’s bad points I have to give it a huge ‘BRAVO’ for being brave enough to say, “Hey, let’s make a show with real sized women.”