Of course, running my own business I don’t always remember what’s on TV, or even to set up my DVR, so tonight I watched Episode 1 online and Episode 2 (which I had remembered to record.).  My first impression?  I have mixed feelings.

It’s great to see a guy willing to tell the world he prefers a lush, curvaceous woman, and it’s also wonderful to see some truly beautiful women who don’t wear a size 2 (or even 12 for that matter).  But there are a few things I’m disappointed in too.

First, way too much crying. I realize this probably has a lot to do with editing, after all, even the most self confident woman might break down when confronting certain memories or past wrongs.  So, if these truly are self confident women, let’s see it instead of all of the tears.  I think the producers are trying to show America that larger sized people deal with a great deal of discrimination from childhood on through adulthood.  But the women are just way too emotional in doing so.

And second, it makes it appear that every one of these women believe that this is their one chance at finding love.  I would have loved to see a woman on there that had that attitude that sure, they came on the show with hopes of finding something special, but that not getting chosen doesn’t leave them thinking they’re destined to be alone forever.

Luke, the show’s grand prize, even said he was looking at the way a women presented herself and felt about herself.  So if all the weeping is due to editing…here’s a plea to Fox, please stop.  Yes, we love the fact that you’re showing the world beauty in a larger package, but we want to see dignity and self esteem to go along with it.

Last weekend, I responded to one of the messages I received on Plenty of Fish.  The sender seemed to be a bit more sincere than the rest.  After some playful response banter, he offered up his number, and although a bit hesitant, I bit the bullet and did the same.

Then the texting began and he seemed pretty genuine. So genuine in fact that by the end of the weekend we had set up a ‘meet and greet’ for Wednesday.  I’ll admit, I was kind of excited to be dipping my toes into the dating pool again.  Even though I’d mentioned that I wasn’t available Monday and Tuesday nights,  Mystery Date Man (MDM) texted on a regular basis on Monday.  I thought I was sensing impatience that we had to wait til mid week, but then on Tuesday I heard nothing.   So when Wednesday rolled around, I wasn’t really surprised when he texted saying he couldn’t meet hit the cell.  I was ok with that, either he was telling the truth and we’d reschedule or he just wasn’t really interested, which was cool too.

When the texts began again Thursday, I anticipated a request to reschedule our meeting, but it didn’t come. Then again today the texts began, but no mention of another time to meet.  And then, just now, after 10pm at night, I get a text asking how my night was going.  As the text conversation ensued, being the shoot from the hip kind of girl I am, I asked if we were going to reschedule the meet and greet of if we were just going to text back and forth.  His response?

Wait for it…..

His response was that he was ok with ‘it’. (texting) and that he was going to invite me over to his place since I had said I was a bit bored.  Hello??  Buddy?  do the women you hang out with generally rush on over to the home of a guy they’ve never met at night…in the dark?  Duh!!  Did this guy think that being a chubby chick I was so desperate for a man’s attention that I’d jump at the chance?  And although the dangers of doing so were of course a concern, I really don’t even think a serial killer would be stupid enough to approach a woman that way and think she’d actually do it.

This guys behavior, coupled with all of the responses on the dating site that I haven’t responded to because they were all about ‘hooking up’ and ‘having a little fun’, have me once again frustrated with the whole idea of trying to date. After my little ‘text-versation” with MDM I was mad enough to spit nails (as my grandfather used to say).  Is it like this for all single women or is it because I’m a chubby chick?

Listen up guys, get this straight. Yes, I’m very up front about being ‘rubenesque’ , but not because I’m making some sort of ‘excuse’.  I know that a BBW isn’t for everyone, so if you know it’s not for you, you don’t have to waste my time and yours.  My self esteem isn’t lying in the dirt and I’m certainly not desperate.  Sure, I’d like to have a man in my life, but it’s not a requirement.  And don’t date me thinking you’re doing me a favor, because let me tell you, I’ve got a lot to bring to a relationship with the right guy.  I’m intelligent, motivated and have a pretty good sense of humor.  Not to mention things of a more…ahem…personal nature.

So here I sit, wondering if this is what I’m going to have to deal with over and over before I find something seriously worthwhile.  And my question to myself is, do I really have time to play these foolish games?

I’m settling in nicely here in Conover, NC, absolutely loving my new place and the gorgeous springtime, feels like summer time, weather.  And to further prove this was the right choice for my new home, the flowers are in bloom and they are all..pink!  If that doesn’t scream girly girl, I don’t know what does.

So since I’d finally started to settle in, I decided that maybe it was time to seriously start exploring the idea of dating again.  I put up a new, updated profile, and wham!  Suddenly I’m getting e-mails from men left and right.  I realize it’s mostly because I was new to the site, but it was overwhelming.  At first it was a little bit exciting, but before a week was through I remembered why this hasn’t worked for me very well.  As soon as I feel the push for giving out my number and meeting up in person, I get…well…cold feet.  I get a panicked feeling that I’m not ready to dance the dating dance, that it will open me up to things I’m not sure that I want to deal with, like rejection, expectations, disappointment… you get the idea, right?

So what’s a girl to do?  I long for the companionship, fun and yes…physical benefits of a relationship, but apparently the ‘work’ involved scares the bejeebers out of me.  Any suggestions??

And you find out things. Like secret crushes. I’ve been talking with one of my old friends, a fellow band geek who I had a huge crush on in high school. I can remember staring at him in classes we shared just wishing he’d notice me, but being afraid that if he did he’d think I was weird for staring. I didn’t feel like I was even in this boy’s league, as he hung out with the ‘popular’ crowd, so I crushed from a distance. On the occasions that he talked to me, I went home from school on a cloud. Our senior year, there was a time or two that we even had a couple of encounters that might have been considered flirting. But he was dating a popular girl, and I knew there was no way he was interested in me, the oddball chubby chick.

Now, 28 years later, he and I have had the opportunity to catch up with one another, and through our communication I learned a secret. He thought I was attractive in school. In fact he remembers distinctly wanting ot kiss me. Imagine that? We both had a moment of regret that one of us didn’t act upon our feelings. And I think we both wondered what might have happened if we had. We both might be in very different places. But then again, we might not have turned out the same. I suppose things happen and don’t happen for a reason.

I’m not going to go on a rampage about how it’s all commercialized and stupid. Nope, because I’ll be honest, if I were coupled up I’d be all excited about it too. How can you not be? A day set aside for lovers. My problem is I see these commercials and I want to be able to do something special for a special someone. I want to be wondering if I’m going to get some pretty bauble from my lover. But alas, yet again this year it’s not to be. No candlelight dinner and wine. No sexy lingerie and chocolate dipped strawberries. No night of lust and lovemaking…

So yes, I’m the Grinch of Valentine’s Day. Maybe next year I’ll have met someone who transforms me, but for now… Valentine’s Day sucks! I’m glad I’m spending most of the driving back to Richmond.

**On a happier note, I just may have found a new home. One more place to look at this evening, but the apartment I looked at this morning was very, very promising. I’ll keep you posted, but it looks as if this chick could be living in NC again by April!**

It’s been a long time since I dated anyone. In fact, not since 2004 have I actively pursued the idea of doing so. I’ve sort of fallen in and out of the same two relationships several times in the interim, neither relationship being exactly healthy for me. So with so many new things on the horizon, why not seek out a new relationship? Or at least new experiences, right?

So I re-activated and refreshed profiles that were still on Yahoo Personals and the BBW dating site, plus I did the eHarmony thing, even though there were enough questions to make my head spin. And what have I found? I’ve found out that the ‘free’ memberships are nothing but bait. You find someone interesting but you can’t communicate with them unless you join the service. And the services aren’t cheap. $60 a month for eHarmony, $30 a month for Yahoo Personals about the same for the Tangowire BBW dating site. And of course, I’ve been contacted by interesting individuals on all three. It seems pretty pitiful to send them one of those ‘icebreakers’ which gives them nothing except for letting them know there is a little interest there. Even eHarmony’s free communication weekend just whets the appetite by letting you follow their guided communication for a weekend for free, and then, when you’re almost at that point of direct communication…free communication weekend is over. It’s discouraging.

I realize these sites are there to make money, but I’m a girl on a budget. And dating sites are not in that budget at the moment. Wouldn’t it be cool if these sites also offered a ‘club-like’ alternative? Like a $5 cover charge that lets you communicate for one sign in session? Do you hear me all of you dating sites? We girls on a budget need an alternative to your high membership rates…are you listening?